Resistance vs. Flow
There are moments in life when nothing seems to move, no matter the amount of effort or positive thinking. We’ve done the mindset work. We’ve set the goals. But the flow of life resists us, as if an unseen force is pulling the brakes.
In systemic coaching, we don’t label that as failure or laziness. We ask a deeper question:
To whom, or what, are you still loyal?
Because more often than not, what we call “stuckness” is actually loyalty.
Unconscious, invisible, inherited loyalty.
What Is Unconcious Loyalty?
Loyalty contracts are silent agreements we form in childhood with members of our family system — often with parents, grandparents, or even previous generations we’ve never met. These pacts are not made with words but through love, fear, and a deep biological need to belong.
A child, by nature, is entangled. We come into this world not as isolated individuals, but as part of a living field — a system. And within that system, we adapt.
If mother is anxious, we become her emotional support.
If father is depressed, we decide (silently): “I’ll be the strong one.”
If money was always a struggle in the family, we imprint: “It’s safer to struggle too.”
These are not conscious decisions. They are survival codes.
And they work — for a while.
The Price of Loyalty
In systemic work, we often see people who are brilliant, talented, and capable — yet unable to break through.
When we look closely, we see why.
A successful woman keeps self-sabotaging right before big career breakthroughs.
Underneath? “If I shine, I’ll betray my mother who had to give up her dreams.”
An entrepreneur builds wealth but constantly loses it.
Underneath? “If I have more than my father, I’ll no longer belong to him.”
A coach struggles to be seen.
Underneath? “If I’m visible, I’ll be attacked like my ancestors were during war.”
In systemic coaching, we work not with symptoms but with the underlying entanglements.
The unseen loyalties.
The frozen grief.
The pacts made long ago, still running the show.
Success as a Systemic Work
What most personal development misses is that success is not just a mindset — it’s a systemic event.
When you succeed, you don’t just change your circumstances. You often change your place in the system.
You may:
- Rise above your parents economically.
- Live a freer emotional life than they did.
- Heal something they never could.
- Break a generational pattern that’s been in place for centuries.
And this is where the internal conflict begins.
Because your nervous system may still be operating under this logic:
“Belonging is more important than thriving.”
And if thriving feels like a betrayal… you’ll sabotage it. Gently, cleverly, unconsciously.
How Loyalty Shows Up in Real Life
In my work, I’ve seen patterns repeat across cultures, continents, and contexts:
- A healer who can help others shift deeply — but can’t charge for her work.
- A man who feels emotionally numb, only to discover he’s entangled with a dead uncle no one speaks about.
- A woman who delays motherhood again and again — until she realizes her mother regretted becoming a parent and she’s staying “loyal” by not experiencing joy in that role.
This is not about blame. It’s about love — distorted through time.
A child’s love is innocent, loyal, and blind.
Systemic work helps us grow that love into something clearer, wiser, more conscious.
How We Heal It
To “break” these contracts, we must first see them.
We bring them into awareness with reverence — not rejection.
And then, with the help of systemic tools like family constellations, guided inner dialogues, or symbolic rituals, we return what doesn’t belong to us.
We say things like:
- “Dear mom, I see your pain. And I let it stay with you.”
- “Dear grandpa, I honor what you carried. And I choose life now.”
- “Dear family, I belong — even if I do it differently.”
This is the real reprogramming: not just of the mind, but of the field.
Your Success Is Not a Betrayal
Many people unconsciously live out the pain of those who came before them — as a way of staying connected. But there is a more generative form of connection: one where you succeed, with love.
Your happiness does not betray your parents’ suffering.
Your wealth does not insult your family’s scarcity.
Your visibility does not endanger you if you take your place from love, not rebellion.
When unconscious loyalty is seen and released, something extraordinary happens:
You begin to write your own story — while still honoring the chapters that came before.
And in that moment, life begins to flow again.
